October 18, 2019No Comments

Moving forwards after loss

After we had Olivia it took us 18 months to fully accept we had a child! It also took that length of time to heal from birth and to recover from post-natal depression. So when our daughter turned 20 months we tried again for another child. We never intended for Olivia to be an only child. We wanted her to grow up with siblings. We naively thought that this time around would be different and that we wouldn't have any losses. But when I turned up at the hospital four months later for an early scan I was informed that I could die imminently due to the baby escaping out the womb and bursting in my abdomen. I had an emergency laparoscopy to remove the blood (as that was all that remained) from my abdomen. None of my tubes were damaged and the doctors couldn't see how the baby had got out so when I awoke from surgery they thought I was still pregnant. But sadly later that day they confirmed I was not and that I had indeed had a tubal pregnancy. They just called it a "medical mystery" and sent me on my way.

Two months later I fell pregnant again. As soon as I saw the positive results I knew instantly it was too soon after the ectopic pregnancy. I was still grieving, still in pain. I was forced to have another early scan because of the risk of ectopic reoccurring. But they informed at the scan that there was an issue with this pregnancy too. There was too much blood in my womb, and sure enough two weeks later at eight weeks, I lost my sixth child.




I sat in my car on my drive and uncontrollable tears rolled down my face. It was like a slow rolling waterfall. Two losses. in Two months. We buried the baby in a plant pot and it is to this day still in my garden. A black cloud descended over my life for the next three months. We stopped trying. We tried to focus on what we did have. Olivia. We planned day trips and holidays and tried to bury our grief in every day of just getting on with life. And of course, as with all tough times, it seems as if everyone else is supremely happy, just getting on with their lives making babies. Of course, the truth is, we are all fighting a battle no one knows anything about.

I hit rock bottom on our trip to Italy. I literally could not hold myself together. My anxiety was through the roof. I couldn't control myself on the flight. I was beside my self with fear. I was so worn out by grief that it was now affecting every part of me emotionally. I was a wreck. A short flight to Florence and I was in tears the whole time. I don't like flying at the best of times but this was ridiculous. When we arrived, I was exactly the same in the car. I'm a terrible passenger but I had completely lost control of all rational thought. It was so bad on the flight and in the car, my husband looked up train journeys back to England.

That week in Italy I realised things had to change. I had to change. I couldn't live with the grief anymore. It had to go. I had to find a focus. I had to move on. I need something to hope for.

During this time I had a friend I was becoming increasingly closer to. She also was finding a new way forward in her life. And she started to share with me some of the things she was discovering. From personality tests to decluttering, how to courses on mum life, makeup courses, I took them all. I also realised during this time my love for interior design and calligraphy. My husband had signed me up to a calligraphy course which I went to after Italy and I just fell in love. I took a short course in Interior Design and loved it. It all gave me a new focus. My husband had also found a new focus, meditation, and we took a course together. All of this learning was over about three months and in that time we tried to fall pregnant again. After four months we were pregnant. But there was no woo hoo. We didn't talk about. We just got on with life. I didn't go for an early scan. We just waited and we waited. And soon enough the 12-week scan came round and right now I am five months pregnant. I am also now studying to be a fully qualified Interior Design.

October 11, 2019No Comments

The roller coaster ride of trying to conceive

When my husband and I got married we talked about having kids and what life would be like. We had no idea what 'life' had in store for us. I was told in our first year of marriage it would be difficult to conceive, I had adrenal fatigue, so I set about healing myself through the help of a nutritionist and psychologist. I worked part-time. I slept late. I quit just about everything I could to get better. I had my first miscarriage in 2012, my second and third in 2013 and my forth in 2014. We finally fell pregnant with my daughter in 2015. Through that whole time, my husband and I kept trying, we never gave up, every month I'd pee on ovulation sticks and every month we'd wait the 2 weeks to see if we'd been successful. Some might think to have sex every other day for four years as the best thing ever. But I have to say it took its toll.

Every month was a rollercoaster of emotions. Waiting and seeing analysing every bodily change in the hope you could guess if you were pregnant before the test. With every passing month and every passing miscarriage I just wanted a baby more and more. The more I wasn't able to have the one thing I wanted the more I wanted it.

I have to say, I didn't grow up wanting children. It wasn't until I met my husband that I really decided that I wanted kids. I wanted an extension of us. My husband's number one goal in life was to be a dad. And I wanted to help him achieve that. He is truly the most caring and loving man. He has a servant's heart and is generous to a fault. I always knew he'd be a great dad and he is.

The pain of not being pregnant hit us both every month. Of course, we both responded differently. After our first miscarriage even when we did get a positive it was with trepidation. Every month we'd pull ourselves together and start positive and by the end of it, I was crushed. I tried to continue on as normal, but looking back now (seven years later) I can see that six miscarriages took its toll on my life. I am not where I am meant to be today because I sat down.

I sat down on the inside, I sat down on the outside. I sat in my darkness. I sat in my self-pity. I sat in my grief and let it wash over me, day after day, week after week. Until I didn't have a purpose anymore until I had been completely broken and washed away. And it has left me today wondering, what am I doing with my life? Why am I here? What is this life all about? Why has it taken us seven years (almost eight) to build a family?

I am jealous of course of all those people who get pregnant pop out two-three kids neatly two years apart and just get on with their lives, go back to work, sort the school run, and just build their families. I had stood still and watched my life unravel.

There's so much more to this story than I can write here. But at the end of the day, I am where I am because of the choices I made. I got lost in the fertility journey. I have to remember I did get my rainbow baby. And not let all the losses bog me down. My daughter is everything and more I could have asked for. I can't wait for this season of trying to be over. Just before we fell pregnant with my daughter, we bought a dog. And I have to say it was the best decision at the time. Leo bought so much joy into our lives, the craziness of puppy life distracted me. I nurtured a forever companion. To this day he follows me around like my shadow. Maybe Olivia wouldn't be here if we hadn't bought him?

October 24, 2018No Comments

Post Natal Depression: The Dark Side

It is what it says it is. And I think we all experience it differently because we are all unique. So for me, I was totally overwhelmed, unable to accept that this child was mine. I felt like a caregiver rather than a mother, I was drowning in decision making. For the longest time, I just didn't feel like Olivia was mine. It took 18 months until I fully took her in, fully accepted her. She is everything and more we could have asked for. Everything I had been praying for right before my eyes living and breathing and yet there was some kind of disconnect within me. Psychologists concluded that because of my miscarriages I was unable to fully embrace her, after months of counselling, I took her in fully embracing everything she is. She is truly incredible. My rainbow baby.

I was diagnosed when Olivia was nine months old. I had a few assessments, mental health nurses and doctors and health visitors, I was prescribed drugs, but the last thing I wanted was that. So they said if I didn't take them I would need to come up with a plan on how I was going to get better. I promised them I would exercise! I had three months of therapy with a psychologist. I had a mental health visit every week and then every month and now to this day, I have a weekly visit from a volunteer to keep my mental health on track.

By the time I was diagnosed I was pretty ill. I had reached a very dark place, I'm almost nervous to write it. I was at the point of suicide. I had just lost all hope of being capable, of fully accepting life as it was and I was totally overwhelmed by this tiny amazing human. We had no help, no family or friends nearby. And those who did drop by were totally unaware of my drowning. Looking back I wish someone had waded into my life, had seen the despair, had stayed a little longer and done the washing up, perhaps walked the dog, or brought some dinners over. But no, everyone just thought we were happy because the one thing we had been longing for had happened. Olivia was here living and breathing why would anyone think I was depressed or struggling?! (friends have since said these exact things to me). I know now I need to ask for help. Everyone is well meaning but if you don't actually say the words, 'help me', 'please do x-y-z', no one is coming to rescue you. Well at least in my case. I honestly felt like I couldn't talk about how I was feeling or thinking because I was supposed to be happy and have this amazing connection with my child, after all, I had longed for her, waited for her, had four miscarriages and carried her 10 months in my womb! (she was very very late).

I had the suicide all planned out and it seemed very ordinary to me. My escape, my way out, something I could control. It was only when the health visitor showed up to a routine assessment on Olivia did she notice something was very wrong. The very next day I was surrounded by doctors and mental health workers, my mum flew into the country. It was like labour all over again, you know when everyone rushes in to get you ready for theatre because this baby has to come out NOW. It was like that, like my suicide my dark friend had to come out NOW and everyone was onboard. I often referred to the depression as my dark friend because it felt so familiar and it felt strange to say goodbye to it, but little by little I came to terms with my miscarriages and I eventually fully accepted Olivia as my daughter.

I hope you have the strength to reach out and if not I pray someone reaches in. However hard it seems there is always a way out. I researched suicide and in amongst how to do it are websites telling you not too and one of them said if 'you're younger than 37 your best years are ahead of you', and explained the research, and I just thought wow 'the best really is yet to come'. It took months for that to sink in, but it definitely stopped me in my tracks.

And here I am two years to the day that I was diagnosed, and I am having the best days, and by that, I mean family days, days at the beach, at the farm, at the park, just spending time with my family and soaking it all up because its the only one I have.

October 3, 2018No Comments

Miracle rainbow baby

After almost 5 years and four miscarriages. Olivia, my daughter was born. She is almost three now. Before she came along there were many days where I honestly didn't think I was going to have children. I was in despair. With each miscarriage my longing for a child only increased. And the questions became intense, 'why not me? whats wrong with me? when will we have our own child?'. Hope deferred. Four times over. And our fifth pregnancy, it's hard to describe the intense anxiety within. I had numerous panic attacks in the first trimester. I want to tell you I was strong and focused. But I wasn't. Every twinge, every time I went to the toilet, my mind would just go to that place of fear.

My husband and I decided not to buy anything for the baby until after 28 weeks. We wanted to get to a place where we felt comfortable with the idea that this was really going to happen. We didn't have a baby shower but opted for a Welcome to the World party instead when Olivia was 10 weeks old.

We were never really at ease until Olivia was born (35 hour labour, episiotomy and forceps, yes cover your eyes and cross your legs!!). I'll spare you the full birth story, but needless to say she arrived safe and well weighting 9lbs and 12oz. Yes thats right she was huge!. She's still on the 98th centile to this very day. During my pregnancy the consultants were concerned about her size. But in the end all was well. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I only wish I had relaxed more during the pregnancy.

We just couldn't believe she was real, that she was here. It took a full 18 months for us to accept that she was ours and she was here to stay. She is full of life, exuberant, bold, confident, and she knows her own mind at the age of two! We couldn't ask for more. But since she's been born we've known that we would like a sibling for her to grow up with. She is our miracle rainbow baby.

August 31, 2018No Comments

Motherhood – the journey so far

Seven years, seven pregnancies. One survival.

Honestly, I did not know that the journey was going to look like this. Between 2011 and 2015 I had four miscarriages. In 2015 I was pregnant with my now almost 3 year old daughter. Since her birth I have been pregnant twice. One ectopic pregnancy (which almost took my life) and another miscarriage. Nothing prepares you, no one could have told me about the pain, the suffering, the deferred hope, the deepest longing and the guilt (of not being able to carry a child full term).

This is my journey to Motherhood.

When I was a teenager I knew exactly what I wanted to do, I was going to go to university, I was going to get a job in a design agency and eventually I was going to run my own design company. By age 25 I was on course, unwavering in my approach. I met my now husband, we married when I was 28. And I quit my job and started my design company. And at the same time we decided to build a family.

When you're trying to conceive every month is a roller coaster of emotions. 'Will it be this month?', 'no, not this month' and every month you ask yourself the same questions. Peeing on an ovulation stick and using fertility kits and inputting all your data into fertility apps. And then one day you're late and you get a positive pregnancy test 'oh yay', the joy!! Within a few weeks the joy turns to sorrow and hope is deferred. But you pick yourself up and try again telling yourself 'next time'. Next time comes but with in-trepidation. Only to have sorrow again a few weeks later. But you find a new resolve and persevere but with each blow you find yourself wondering, whats life all about?, whats the purpose?, why aren't I able to have kids?. And over seven years I found myself totally and utterly lost. And in amongst the losses I lost myself and I closed my business in the hopes of finding a new purpose. Of accepting what I have and making the most of now whilst maybe some day when, our family will be complete.

And so here I am writing to you (hello), looking for other mums, looking for hope and purpose. And trying to make sense of it all. I have a truly wonderful daughter who is full of life and I am forever blessed by her she is my miracle rainbow baby! But more about her in other posts. And this post is only scratching the surface of our journey. Please feel free to share yours below.