When my husband and I got married we talked about having kids and what life would be like. We had no idea what 'life' had in store for us. I was told in our first year of marriage it would be difficult to conceive, I had adrenal fatigue, so I set about healing myself through the help of a nutritionist and psychologist. I worked part-time. I slept late. I quit just about everything I could to get better. I had my first miscarriage in 2012, my second and third in 2013 and my forth in 2014. We finally fell pregnant with my daughter in 2015. Through that whole time, my husband and I kept trying, we never gave up, every month I'd pee on ovulation sticks and every month we'd wait the 2 weeks to see if we'd been successful. Some might think to have sex every other day for four years as the best thing ever. But I have to say it took its toll.
Every month was a rollercoaster of emotions. Waiting and seeing analysing every bodily change in the hope you could guess if you were pregnant before the test. With every passing month and every passing miscarriage I just wanted a baby more and more. The more I wasn't able to have the one thing I wanted the more I wanted it.
I have to say, I didn't grow up wanting children. It wasn't until I met my husband that I really decided that I wanted kids. I wanted an extension of us. My husband's number one goal in life was to be a dad. And I wanted to help him achieve that. He is truly the most caring and loving man. He has a servant's heart and is generous to a fault. I always knew he'd be a great dad and he is.
The pain of not being pregnant hit us both every month. Of course, we both responded differently. After our first miscarriage even when we did get a positive it was with trepidation. Every month we'd pull ourselves together and start positive and by the end of it, I was crushed. I tried to continue on as normal, but looking back now (seven years later) I can see that six miscarriages took its toll on my life. I am not where I am meant to be today because I sat down.
I sat down on the inside, I sat down on the outside. I sat in my darkness. I sat in my self-pity. I sat in my grief and let it wash over me, day after day, week after week. Until I didn't have a purpose anymore until I had been completely broken and washed away. And it has left me today wondering, what am I doing with my life? Why am I here? What is this life all about? Why has it taken us seven years (almost eight) to build a family?
I am jealous of course of all those people who get pregnant pop out two-three kids neatly two years apart and just get on with their lives, go back to work, sort the school run, and just build their families. I had stood still and watched my life unravel.
There's so much more to this story than I can write here. But at the end of the day, I am where I am because of the choices I made. I got lost in the fertility journey. I have to remember I did get my rainbow baby. And not let all the losses bog me down. My daughter is everything and more I could have asked for. I can't wait for this season of trying to be over. Just before we fell pregnant with my daughter, we bought a dog. And I have to say it was the best decision at the time. Leo bought so much joy into our lives, the craziness of puppy life distracted me. I nurtured a forever companion. To this day he follows me around like my shadow. Maybe Olivia wouldn't be here if we hadn't bought him?