Seven years, seven pregnancies. One survival.

Honestly, I did not know that the journey was going to look like this. Between 2011 and 2015 I had four miscarriages. In 2015 I was pregnant with my now almost 3 year old daughter. Since her birth I have been pregnant twice. One ectopic pregnancy (which almost took my life) and another miscarriage. Nothing prepares you, no one could have told me about the pain, the suffering, the deferred hope, the deepest longing and the guilt (of not being able to carry a child full term).

This is my journey to Motherhood.

When I was a teenager I knew exactly what I wanted to do, I was going to go to university, I was going to get a job in a design agency and eventually I was going to run my own design company. By age 25 I was on course, unwavering in my approach. I met my now husband, we married when I was 28. And I quit my job and started my design company. And at the same time we decided to build a family.

When you're trying to conceive every month is a roller coaster of emotions. 'Will it be this month?', 'no, not this month' and every month you ask yourself the same questions. Peeing on an ovulation stick and using fertility kits and inputting all your data into fertility apps. And then one day you're late and you get a positive pregnancy test 'oh yay', the joy!! Within a few weeks the joy turns to sorrow and hope is deferred. But you pick yourself up and try again telling yourself 'next time'. Next time comes but with in-trepidation. Only to have sorrow again a few weeks later. But you find a new resolve and persevere but with each blow you find yourself wondering, whats life all about?, whats the purpose?, why aren't I able to have kids?. And over seven years I found myself totally and utterly lost. And in amongst the losses I lost myself and I closed my business in the hopes of finding a new purpose. Of accepting what I have and making the most of now whilst maybe some day when, our family will be complete.

And so here I am writing to you (hello), looking for other mums, looking for hope and purpose. And trying to make sense of it all. I have a truly wonderful daughter who is full of life and I am forever blessed by her she is my miracle rainbow baby! But more about her in other posts. And this post is only scratching the surface of our journey. Please feel free to share yours below.