After almost 5 years and four miscarriages. Olivia, my daughter was born. She is almost three now. Before she came along there were many days where I honestly didn't think I was going to have children. I was in despair. With each miscarriage my longing for a child only increased. And the questions became intense, 'why not me? whats wrong with me? when will we have our own child?'. Hope deferred. Four times over. And our fifth pregnancy, it's hard to describe the intense anxiety within. I had numerous panic attacks in the first trimester. I want to tell you I was strong and focused. But I wasn't. Every twinge, every time I went to the toilet, my mind would just go to that place of fear.
My husband and I decided not to buy anything for the baby until after 28 weeks. We wanted to get to a place where we felt comfortable with the idea that this was really going to happen. We didn't have a baby shower but opted for a Welcome to the World party instead when Olivia was 10 weeks old.
We were never really at ease until Olivia was born (35 hour labour, episiotomy and forceps, yes cover your eyes and cross your legs!!). I'll spare you the full birth story, but needless to say she arrived safe and well weighting 9lbs and 12oz. Yes thats right she was huge!. She's still on the 98th centile to this very day. During my pregnancy the consultants were concerned about her size. But in the end all was well. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I only wish I had relaxed more during the pregnancy.
We just couldn't believe she was real, that she was here. It took a full 18 months for us to accept that she was ours and she was here to stay. She is full of life, exuberant, bold, confident, and she knows her own mind at the age of two! We couldn't ask for more. But since she's been born we've known that we would like a sibling for her to grow up with. She is our miracle rainbow baby.